Not so long ago I didn’t care. I didn’t care what people thought, least of all the corporate types–not that there’s anything specifically wrong with you by the way. I didn’t need acceptance from the people who would deem me worthy or not. I was me and that’s the way it was.
Recently I’ve found myself looking for approval from people I don’t know. From PR firms and the people who liaise with them. I want them to love me and tell me that I’m one of Australia’s big bloggers I want to feel validated for the hours I spend putting my life into words, like I haven’t done it for nothing.
Maybe I’ve read too many how to blog blogs and books. Maybe I’ve taken the message “write for your readers” too much to heart. Maybe I’ve heard the message of what brands are looking for in bloggers one too many times. Maybe I really have lost my way.
I opened Flipbook today to see what I’d missed and with a disappointed lump in my throat I saw the smiling faces of other bloggers looking back at me from behind a Milo sign and it all began again. The feelings of unworthiness, of just not being enough came flooding back, so much so that for a fleeting minute I was almost in tears. Then it struck me.
This is all incredibly stupid! I was being incredibly stupid and I don’t want to be that person. I want to be the one I used to be. The one who wrote for the love of it. For the love of getting one comment from one person who felt inspired or entertained by my words.
That’s what I want. At the core, that’s who I am.
The irony of this whole ridiculous situation is that, while I’m busy trying to write what others want to hear I’m clearly missing the mark so not only is it not working for me it’s not working for them either!
So today I’ve decided the theme for my life from this point on is “Screw them!”
Screw having a post cued up to go at 6am every morning because someone said that was a good time to catch the mums before the school run.
Screw wondering if I’m writing frequently enough, or maybe I’m writing too frequently and my readership will burn out?!
Screw selectively networking with people from big companies on Twitter and Facebook simply for the connections I want to create.
Screw trying to find my niche to make myself more popular.
Screw trying to write humour into my blog posts and screw worrying that people won’t “get” my humour.
Somehow I got to this place of worrying more about what other people think of my blog over what and who I actually am. This is not the person I want to be for my girls and it’s not who I want them to grow up to be.
I’m me. I don’t post regularly. I go through phases with my interests. I suffer depression and like to write about. Some times I may even want to post a random phrase and nothing more. This is me. I don’t want to be the person that I think others want me to be. I want to be who I am and I want my girls to see that it’s okay to be them because of what they see in me.
So screw you if my blog doesn’t fit the image you want your brand to portray. Screw you if I’m not the kind of blogger who fits a particular campaign.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go and panic that this post will not be well received for I am a recovering people pleaser and I’m trying not to write that I still really do want you to love me, I just want you to love me for me.
